Exclusive: Al Gore's Personal Secret Glossary - Revealed!

The Importance of Being Earnest(ly Wrong)

Just in case you missed the latest faux pas on the part of the Vice President regarding Social Security reform, here's a recap.

• Tuesday, June 13, 2000: Vice President Al Gore announces his new proposal to revitalize his campaign and create totally new, really safe "Social Security Plus" accounts that sound very much like the Personal Savings Accounts promoted by Governor Bush but, the Vice President assures us, aren't anything like them.
• Wednesday, June 14, 2000: We learn that Social Security Plus accounts aren't new at all, but had been proposed two years ago by none other than Newt Gingrich (see excerpts from his letter, below). It seems Newt has gone so far as to copyright the name "Social Security Plus" and has a web site, an organization, and 100,000 Americans signed up in support of these new retirement accounts -- which, at second glance, look almost exactly like those risky Personal Savings Accounts that are going to "take the security out of Social Security" and "blow a hole in the budget."
• Thursday, June 15, 2000: In the interest of ending the confusion, and at great expense to ourselves, the Republican Policy Committee issues the following glossary of terms.

Al Gore's Social Security Reform Glossary

Risky Scheme: Any proposal that puts money back in the pockets of American taxpayers without filtering it through one of my reinvented government agencies first.

Taxpayer: Anyone not receiving government subsidies or paying union dues. Also referred to as the rich, well-off, and privileged few. Come to think of it, President Reagan's description of someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service exam pretty much sums it up.

Capital Markets: A den of vipers. Unlike the markets for zinc or low-income rental properties, the stock market is risky, full of dishonest operators, and moves up and down with no relationship whatsoever to the economy.

Economy: General name for the tax base. Meat comes from Morton's . . . whoops, farms (always getting that one wrong) and taxes come from the economy.

Personal Savings Accounts: Completely un-American idea that people can prepare for retirement by setting money aside while they're working, investing it in private enterprise and innovation, and then living off the proceeds when they get older. Never tried it myself. Besides, everyone knows retirement is paid for through union pension funds, which are invested in nothing but good old-fashioned government Treasury Bonds.

Debt Retirement: My plan to use the $1.9 trillion on-budget surplus over the next 10 years -- after I spend $216 billion on new mandatory programs, $918 billion on new discretionary programs, $154 billion on tax cu . . . er, investments, $299 billion in general fund transfers into Medicare, $294 billion on new Social Security benefits, and $418 billion in additional interest costs -- to buy up all those good old-fashioned government Treasury Bonds.

Investment Counseling: What the union bosses will apparently need after it was observed that, in 10 years, there won't be any good old-fashioned government Treasury Bonds remaining for them to purchase.

Irritated: What I am after I learned that most of the major union pension funds are NOT invested in good old-fashioned government Treasury Bonds after all, but in those risky capital markets.

New Math: What I need after it was observed that I have already promised away all the projected budget surpluses for the next 10 years, plus $400 or so billion dollars. New Math is sometimes referred to as the OMB's Mid-Session Review.

Thrift Savings Plan: Mythological government retirement program that allows government employees to set aside a portion of their income while they work, invest it in private enterprise and innovation, and then use the proceeds to finance their retirement. Vague rumors that this program exists, is popular, and provides excellent returns to its participants have not been substantiated by the scientific community.

Direct Government Investment: Never heard of it. Any assertions that I proposed this as part of the Administration's budget (twice) and spoke favorably for it on numerous occasions are absolutely and completely false. Those videos of me supporting this nutty idea are fakes -- you can tell by the wooden acting of the guy impersonating me.

Social Security Plus: Really clever idea (like the name) that people can prepare for their retirement by setting money aside while they work, investing it in private enterprise and innovation (love those capital markets), and then live off the proceeds when they retire. Should not be confused with Personal Savings Accounts, which are completely different, risky, will blow a hole in the budget, take the security out of Social Security, and will subject tens of millions of unprepared, uneducated, stupid Americans (please vote for me) to those dishonest vipers on Wall Street.

The Plan Formerly Known As Social Security Plus: Okay, Social Security Plus wasn't such a great name after all. You'd think a world-class organization like my presidential campaign would check something like this out. Whoever heard of copyrighting a campaign proposal? That Newt's a weird guy.